My sister

Well, I was right. I suck at blogging! Oh well- one of these days I will get it! I have been following my sisters blogs and really enjoy it. We talk almost every day and yet as I read her blogs I still get insight into her feelings- I think she is an amazing person and love her so much! When we were young I never thought we would be close- she is 3 years older and I was just the pest little sister, then she was gone and I went through the tough teen stuff alone. Then she was REALLY gone when they moved to the other side of the country for 14 years!
We got to see each other about once a year and I went to see her wherever she was when I had a new baby to show off! I admired her from afar for a long time, I longed to be like her, from the time I was little. She is an exceptional pianist, (I never could do it!), she is beautiful on the outside as well as on the inside, she is compassionate, loving, a wonderful mom, a hard worker and the best friend. When her husband landed a job in Salt Lake I ws so excited- it was hard to believe she was finally coming home! I couldn't wait to begin a new adventure with her!
She is the voice of reason when I need someone to figure things out for me, the first I called when my son was diagnosed with diabetes, the first person I told about my pending divorce, the first one I told about this great guy I was friends with who is now my wonderful husband, the first person I call when my life is crazy, my mind can't wrap itself around why we are struggling, the first one I told about our adoption plans, the first one I talk to when my kids break my heart and I don't really think being a mom was a good idea to begin with! She is the first to come to my defence and set me straight when I am wrong- though always in a loving way! She is my sister, but she is also my best friend.

This last year when she was diagnosed with breast cancer, I felt like my insides were torn out. WHY HER? I had lost my sweet sister-in-law after watching her fight it for almost 10 years just a year before. This is NOT happening I thought. NOT POSSIBLE. NOT KARA. The pain I felt was so intense I could hardly stand it. I cried for days, but on the outside I tried to be strong for her. I held her when she cried and told her everything would be fine. I tried to tell myself the same thing too. When she went in for her mastectomies- I sat at home waiting for a call to tell me she was out of surgery- I cried for hours- when my mom called I was relieved, yet so heart broken it was all I could do to get in the car and drive to the hospital to see her. Her husband Rick was in the hall and I asked how she was, as the nurse was checking her we waited. A man of few words- I could see the worry in his eyes, could tell his heart was breaking and he was in so much pain- he said "She's doing OK, and thanked me for coming". He treated her with such tenderness and love, I knew how much he truly loves her. I don't know if she even remembers me being there when she woke up a little- I tried to help him make her comfortable, adjust the ice on her chest, pull up her blanket, hold her hand, all things that seemed so useless to me. I cried all the way home.
The next few months I watched this amazing person go through so much it was hard bear. One of the hardest things I have ever done is cut off her beautiful hair and shave her head when the chemo started to make her hair fall out. I stood there, as her husband and boys watched and felt so humbled. Afterward I hugged her and told her she was beautiful. Again my heart was breaking. Again I asked God WHY?!!! Then the appointments to the plastic surgeon started. I tried to go to every one with her. I missed a couple and that was hard. Her Dr. was so nice and as we sat in these visits I tried to make her laugh- though she was the one making me laugh most of the time! Her Dr. really believes we are crazy I think! So every appointment I would stand by the side of the bed and hold her hand while he stuck this HUGE needle into both sides of her chest and filled the expander's to stretch the muscles for her reconstructive surgery. I know how much Kara HATES any needles, and she was so brave, she just held on and got through it every time. The pain was so intense, especially toward the end she could hardly put her arms down at her sides. I ached for her so much, I wished it was me and not her, I wished I could take it away from her. The last couple of months I have seen her go through her reconstructive surgery, and now is preparing for her second one. The disappointment in her eyes and her voice at the results, the knowing she will never feel "normal" again, it all puts everything into perspective.

As her hair grows back in, and she has a smile on her face more often, she is becoming the "old" Kara again. Her laugh is contagious and I love being around her. We had a blast driving to Arizona to see our grandma together- as usual we got lost- several times- because we talk so much we miss exits and take wrong roads! But the memories are awesome. I wish we could do it more often. I know that like many of our lives, hers is changing everyday. It is hard to see her struggle, her body has changed, she looks a little tired, she moves a bit slower sometimes, but this will all get better with time. She is still the same vibrant, beautiful, funny, intelligent, sister I know! I just want her to know how proud I am of her, she is my inspiration, she is my hero, if she can get through all of this, I can face anything that is thrown at me. And I thank God everyday that she is still here with me to help be do that. Kara, I love you so much, you are truly a blessing in my life. Thank you for being you! Kris