Can I figure this out? Gotta' have faith!

Today I am trying to figure out my life. OK that is very broad I guess! It all makes since when I think about "in 5 years" but getting there is the problem!
So, most people don't think about "if I'm alone can I raise this child?" but after being a single mom of 3 boys I find myself thinking about that lately! My boys are not the issue for me so much now, one is getting married in July and already on his own, one is 17 and the other is 15, AND they have thier dad if I did find myself alone again to help out- BUT now I have this beautiful 2 year old little girl I am resposible for for the next 18 years and it scares the heck out of me some days! Dave is almost 9 years older then me! What brings these thoughts on? Well..... a couple days ago my hubby got hit in our suburban by a snowplow of all things! He is fine- the truck is not- but that is not important!- the thing is I realized as I thought about it, how fragile life is- how fast he "could have" been taken from us and thought- what in the world would I do? I have also been facing the mortallity issue as I have watched his brother who is 45, these last few months dealing with heart problems- facing open heart surgery in the near future. That scares me to death! So, yes I am scared that I will be alone one day raising Ellie by myself- and not able to make it! I haven't worked out of my home much -except for a couple part time jobs here and there since Dave and I got married- I am very lucky to have been able to stay home with our kids all these years and be a mom! Now I feel like I need a plan- and fast! I think this whole economy thing has me in a funk!
I sat down to do the bills today- well looking at them- not enough to pay them right now! I decided that money sucks! Wouldn't it be great if we didn't have to pay so much for every little thing?! I paid off all of our credit cards in Feb. with our tax return- get out of debt- it has been drilled into our heads for years! NOW I wish I had stuck that money in the bank for when things are tight! STo top the pile of bills off, someone charged something using one of my cards and then sent our info onto several other "partner" businesses over the last 6 weeks! When I got our statement and opened it today- I was expecting a $0 balance- instead it said we owe $160! 13 different charges! Ok maybe that doesn't seem like alot to most people, but to me it is a big deal! I spent over 2 hours making phone calls and disputing the charges and something really ironic was that one of the charges came from a "stop fraud" company and another came from a "identity theft protection" company! ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? After 2 hours of arguments I finally talked to a guy in the credit card theft section and they are crediting my account and going after the company (ies)! What a nightmare! No more credit card - I cancelled them both and closed the accounts! That sucks since we are very limited in an emergency now!
The second part of my day has been focusing on school and getting stuff done to register for summer simester. When you get a grant on your student account you say WAHOOOO! Until you realize that it is only covering about half of yout tuition! So now you have to get a student loan to cover the rest and your books too! Now the stress hits! After going through our finances this morning, I can't stomach the thought of another loan! But there is no other way! I want to go to school, I know I am doing the right thing, I have a plan! But this loan thing is smaking me in the face!
So here is the plan- I get the stupid loans, putting my current student loans in differment for the next 5 years (unless I get rich and can pay them off while going to school!) This means we have an extra $100 a month to put toward Dave's RN student loans for the next 5 years! Yea, I guess! When I graduate with my BS in MRI/CT in, oh- lets be optimistic and say 5 years, Ellie will be in Elementary school full time and I can head off to work! At that point Dave's youngest son Adam will be 18 and we are DONE with child support payments! WAHOOO! SO, Dave's income will be almost $1000 more a month then, plus any raises and I will start out making some pretty good money. His income will provide for us and mine will pay off my student loans- hopefully that wont take more then a year! 5 years after I graduate, Dave will get full retirement from the state prison, he can retire and still work part time at one of the hospitals and I can work full or part time at that point. We are going to be fine! In 5 years!!! Like I said it is just getting to that 5 year mark in one piece that stresses me out! Starting school again is exciting but very scary!
I am just worried I wont be able to swing it with Ellie and my grandbaby Cambria and any others that come along in the next 5 years, needing grandma's help! I will not turn them down- ever- that's what a mom/grandma is for! I know I will have lots of help from Dave and the kids- they are all pretty excited too and think it is "cool" that I am going back to school- I hope I am just setting a good example for them! They are amazing and I know they will help and support me! So, I guess it all comes down to FAITH! Can I do this? I have faith that I can! Can I finish and be successful and take care of me and Ellie if anything did happen to Dave? I have faith that I can! Can I mentally and physically handle the stress? I have faith that I can! Will my faith falter? ABSOLUTELY!! Most likely daily, if not, then at least on days like today when I sit down to do the bills!

My first post!

Ok, so my dear sister Kara is a blog addict I swear! She has now convinced me to do something with this blog I started and have never posted on! We will see if there is anyone out there who really cares about what I have to say! :}
My goal is to share some fun things about our family and the moments in our lives. We have a crazy life with 9 kids and most of the time we love it! There are however days I wake up and open my eyes and think, "Not this AGAIN!" Don't get me wrong here, LOVE my hubby, he is my best friend and soulmate, and LOVE my kids, they are hillarious and fun (even if 5 of them have teenageritis!) But there are days I long to not have to take kids to the bus, do tons of laundry (thank heaven for my HE front loaders!) cook, clean, change diapers (yes we are doing that again!), schedule my life around nap times, and go to bed knowing tomorrow is more of the same! I would love to wake up and exercise (BAHAHAHA!) shower for 15 min. (BAHAHAHA!) and spend my day on the computer catching up with friends, or reading a good book, go shopping if I want, decorate my house, paint, garden, or take a long nap! These are the things I squeeze into my life right now when I have a few mintues here or there! Mostly at nap time or late at night- which I really pay for the following day! How I will do this school thing is going to be interesting- but I am determined!
I am really excited to start school in May at Weber State. I will be taking online courses for about 18 mo. then I will will start the radiology program on campus once a week and clinicals at a local hospital. I plan to go on after my 2 year Associates of Science Radiology and get my BS in MRI/CT. My husband is an RN and my daughter is an LPN working on her RN. Lets face it with the economy the way it is about the only thing you can count on is people will always need medical, so that is where I am focusing. It will be interesting and fun I think. Some people are questioning me about going back at my age (the big dreadred 40 on June 2nd!), but I figure I will be 45 anyway- I may as well have a degree that will give me a good job for the next 20 years then work at a craft store for $7 and hour! 20 years- wow that's depressing! LOL! So I will make it work, even if I have to take some of the things I do squeeze in away for a while!
My dear sweet hubby has the day off today- love his schedule, though we miss him when he works 12 hour shifts for 5 days straight and he is exhausted- we love the 5 days he has off and is home with us alot! I hear him in the kitchen trying to figure out what our 2 year old Ellie is telling him she wants to eat! I better go figure it out for him before they both starve!
Have a great day!